It’s been six years and I have been waiting to write a post on miscarriage because I wasn’t ready, but I am now. When I had a client that had lost their pregnancy, I was there to listen and give resources for healing and counseling. I gave the best comfort I could, but I really didn’t fully understand miscarriage, until I went through it, myself. The pain came in many layers. This is my story.
The Physical Signs
Each experience is different. In my case, I miscarried twice. The first time, I was at the office and went to the restroom and noticed some pink spotting. I was 10 weeks at the time and went into a panic. I immediately compared my other two pregnancies. There was no spotting at all with the other pregnancies. I had to leave my job and went home. My spotting was slowly increasing and I was told to wait it out at home. If it happened to be a miscarriage, there would be no stopping it. No stopping it?! I needed it to stop. This was my Baby! It did not and I went into the Emergency Room.
The Lack of Empathy
Both of my hospital emergencies had a complete lack of empathy. During the examination, the first time, I had a student that was in training. The two Technicians were discussing my miscarriage as a learning experience! I was in the middle of trying to process the fact that I was losing a child and I had two women discussing it as a medical component! They completely disregarded what I was going through physically and emotionally. The second time, I was transported by ambulance because I was bleeding heavily. While in the ambulance, I had a young Paramedic female tell me that the hospital personnel would have to examine me to make sure that “all of the stuff was out.” I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but held my tongue. This was not “stuff” but an innocent life that had not been able to complete its journey.
I was a married woman that wanted this Baby. I was treated as if I was a Science experiment. The first time, the whole experience was referred to as a “mis-hap.” The second time, my Baby was simply referred to as “non-viable.” For me, this was a life that had ended before I even had the chance to announce the arrival of this new life, growing inside of me. The first time I was offered Counseling services and given resources. The second time, I was 12 weeks and was simply told to “get some rest” and that I would “get over it soon.”
It Just Got Personal
I took this very personally because both times, this was a family member, to my Husband and myself. I was so heart broken. I had worked in the Medical Field previously, and we were trained not to show our emotions, but to keep a “poker face.” I understand the logic behind it, from a Healthcare perspective, but the failure to show empathy for a Married couple that had just lost their child, was disgraceful. I had to go through very invasive examinations and yet heard terms said aloud, as if I was carrying a parasite or alien. This was my body and our child that we had lost. Yet to the medical staff, it was just an examination that was now complete and could now be discharged from the hospital.
Making Sense of it All
If there’s one thing that will never make sense, it’s experiencing a miscarriage. One is ecstatic because the planning for this Baby has finally come. Getting ready to tell everyone about is the most exciting part! When it happens, there is no direct answer, as to “why?” There are a million scenarios that have been played out, followed by numerous reasons as to why the blame on yourself, is justified. The worst part for me was feeling this little life. I was beginning to show. Yet, within hours of losing my Baby, my body appeared as if it had never been pregnant. Was it stress? Perhaps my hormone levels were dropping, causing the miscarriage? Only God knows the answer.
Moving On
The hardest part was Parenting two other kids when my heart was in mourning. I could not tell my children. The other side was my Husband, he too was mourning the loss of our Baby and Dads are kind of just left out of the whole experience. Having to re-cap the whole thing was a whirl-wind. Worse still, was having to return to work. In my case, it was torture because I was so close to announcing it. There were also various pregnancies occurring around me and I simply found it difficult to celebrate the joy of others. I was mourning my own loss. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for anyone that was pregnant, it was questioning why did mine have to end? Why?
A Sure Thing
As a Christian, I believe and know in my heart that all miscarriages are in God’s safe and perfect hands. King David lost his child with Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 12:23. David knew that his Baby would be in Heaven and one day he would “go to him.” Biblically, life begins at conception and all life is from God. With saying that, since life is from God, souls must return to God after death. Innocent life that never had the chance of being “born”, I believe, is considered innocent and sinless. The Bible states that Humans are “born” with sin. If a life is unable to be born physically, it must still be sinless. An unborn child is not able to sin because it died before it ever could. I truly believe that I’ll get to meet my Babies in Heaven. Until then, if you have lost a Baby, know that someone isn’t “lost” if you know where they are.
Phases of Healing
If you have gone through a miscarriage and are reading this, read this closely. Your heartbreak is always going to be a small room that is left in your heart. Take time to process what you experienced and when you are ready, talk about it. When the right time comes, write about it. Processing the pain is the difficult part. Trying to make sense of it all is something that might never come. We all want and need answers for closure. Stop blaming yourself, circumstances or your body. Mourn your loss and give your Baby a name. Remember your due date with a tender smile.
Time is not a healer, I believe only God can do that. If you are a Christian, pray and ask for healing and you will receive it. If you are not a Christian, just know that pain always has a purpose. It is never void of providing healing and never goes unused in some form. My pain will hopefully touch someone’s heart. Healing is a process and having support is important. That day will come if you seek it, so don’t feel alone or withdraw. Instead, allow yourself to go through the pain of healing and when you come out on the other side of it, you will be able to look back and comfort someone else because you too, can relate. If you need prayer, please comment below or fill out a form on my website and I will be more than happy to pray for you.
