Let’s open the door that most first time Moms never knew existed. Working with families from around the world, this is a very common issue across all cultures. There is a stigma that labor and delivery is the difficult part of parenting. Oh, if only that were true! When working with Mothers during their prenatal months, I never sugar coated it for them, although I had many that did not want to hear the hard, cold truth…labor is the easier part, it’s parenting that is difficult!
It’s Taboo
In some cultures, the subject is absolutely taboo. They just expect women to find out the hard way. In our American culture, we like to place this false expectation, telling women that labor is the hardest part and the assumption is that everything after that should be easier. In all my years of working intimately with Mothers and being a Mother myself, currently in my “fourth trimester”, I can tell you that labor and delivery is hard, but parenting is harder.
If you’re an expectant Mother, I would advise you to prepare for the baby, yes, but know that nothing can prepare you for Motherhood, it is a valley that everyone must walk through, themselves. There will be very difficult days ahead, but the key is how you handle it. There are a three things I feel are important in order to prepare yourself for Motherhood.
- Your support system
- Your Temperament and reaction to spontaneous situations
- Accepting that you are permanently assigned this new title and responsibilities
Where Is Your Village?
“It takes a village” is absolutely true! Having a strong support system is crucial when becoming a new parent. Begin planning your “village” people ahead of time and let them know before baby arrives. Some, may have just moved to a new area and do not know anyone. Start by joining a meetup group. I met a friend of mine through a church group. She had 2 sets of twins and needed the help! Through our group, she had a lady for every day of the week to help her out for 2 hours, which gave her the break she needed to shop or do other necessities. Whatever you do, get support. Having a strong support system will get you through the darkest of tunnels!
Every Mother “expects” to have a perfect delivery, but you have to ask yourself, “How am I going to react if a bad case scenario occurs?” For example, what if you desired a home birth, but there is a complication and you have to be rushed by ambulance to a hospital. Or you want a vaginal delivery, but end up having an emergency cesarean. You could have a normal delivery, but your baby ends up in the NICU for more than a week.
In my case, I too had to face my own scenario. I had a normal, vaginal delivery, but ended up with SPD (Spontaneous Pelvic Disorder). This left me unable to walk and being discharged in a wheelchair. I had to have Physical Therapy, while managing a newborn and postpartum recovery. Some women suffer loss and leave the hospital without their baby. All are real worst case scenarios. Be prepared mentally and ask yourself how you would handle it.
Your own temperament will either conflict with you or aid you in Motherhood. I have a different post on temperament, so make sure to check it out. Just know that if, for example, if you have a temper, notice what “triggers” you when baby comes. Take a mental note or jot it down and see how to eliminate it all together. Getting a handle on your own temperament will help, especially if you have a child with your opposite temperament.
Never Do It Alone
I have met Mothers that have taken on the task of doing everything on their own, not asking for help, fearing that it shows weakness or defeat. In the long run, they end up exhausted and angry. They end up stressed and in turn, make their child a very stressed child that results in challenging behavior. In the long run, it produces a cycle that makes no one happy. So have someone you can call, have someone else that can come over and help with laundry, cooking, cleaning or just holding your baby so that you can shower and have a moment to yourself. Don’t end up wearing the mask of deceiving yourself.
The “Perfect” Mom
When meeting with Mothers, I would present a parenting magazine to them that would show a flawless Mother and her baby, all put together with make-up and hair looking photo perfect, the background spic’n’span. I would ask, “Is this what you envision when you become a Mother?” All would answer “yes” or “I hope so.” I would gently burst their bubble a little bit and tell them the truth. “This Mom does not reflect Motherhood in the early days, unless she has a housekeeper & a Nanny or both. In the early days, this picture actually reflects a neglectful Mother.” Moms would stare in disbelief. Yes, it is possible to be organized in other ways like finances, shopping (groceries/clothing), appointments, etc. But as a Home Visitor, it was a “red flag” for me when I walked into a house that was immaculate. It was a sign of child neglect or severe anxiety – again (unless they had a housekeeper or a Nanny).
Reality
As a new Momma, expect to have a pile of laundry, floors that need mopping, your hair up in a bun or pony tail and no time for make-up or keeping up with household cleaning, sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived and forgetting what day of the week it is! That’s a Mom that is placing her baby as her first priority and letting the non-essentials go. The “perfect” more put together Mom will come later, but at least give yourself some room to not care about the little stuff, just care about the little one.
I know this is difficult, especially for those Type-A personality Moms (myself included), Military Moms and Only Child Moms. We like and thrive on organization. Women need it to function. Falling apart at the seams if our “normal” isn’t the normal we are used to, is not where you want to be. I hear ya. Part of it is craving to feel like YOU again!
Motherhood is often mistaken for “losing a part of yourself.”
Motherhood is not losing a part of yourself, but gaining a new version of yourself that your old YOU is unfamiliar with and to be frank, has an attitude about accepting the “new” you. We were comfortable with who we were. For many, Marriage is a slight adjustment, but somehow a child/children tremendously INCREASE that adjustment process. There’s no manual for children, they’re unpredictable, unlike our Man. Our Man can tell us where’s he’s going, what he’s planning, etc. A baby is simple enough, but you throw in sleepless nights, sore nipples, disorder everywhere you look, memory loss, brain fog, hormones, a body that is trying to heal, it’s enough to make anyone cry!!!
Valleys and Mountain Tops
So to the new Momma, expect all the aforementioned, especially if you are going from a working professional to a stay-at-home Momma. Start preparing yourself now, mentally, before the baby arrives. You must get through the valley of Motherhood before you will reach the mountain top of it. I would always reassure Moms, in their pregnancy, that they were not “fat”, but pregnant! In the same sense, Motherhood is a new chapter in your life. A chapter that will be filled with more intensity of joy, pain, sorrow, exhaustion, beautiful memories and fun. Embrace it in strides because as Mothers, we tend to take it all in with one blow, but embrace this rollercoaster ride, gently. It’s your amazing story to re-tell when you have Grandkids.
